


Bert and Ernie Sitcom Pilot

by YossiMH



Category: Sesame Street (TV), Sesame Street - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-13
Updated: 2014-01-13
Packaged: 2018-01-08 14:26:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1133733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YossiMH/pseuds/YossiMH
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Screenplay for the pilot of a hypothetical prime time single-camera television sitcom starring Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street. Intended primarily for an audience of adults, but, like The Muppet Show, fully suitable for viewing by families, including young children.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bert and Ernie Sitcom Pilot

TEASER

FADE IN:

EXT. EARLY EVENINING - GREENSTREETS

It’s an early autumn day in New York City, a bit after five PM. The CAMERA CRANES DOWN on two young women, LEANNE and DANA, who are sharing a dinner at the free public seating on Broadway, a few blocks south of Times Square. (As with all characters on the show who are not familiar Sesame Street Muppets, they are humans, not puppets.) Until the camera is closer, their dialogue is mostly muffled beneath the STREET NOISE.

LEANNE

...and I talked to him for, like, two hours.

DANA

How was it?

LEANNE

You know. If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

DANA

Mm.

By now, the camera has reached them. Suddenly, BERT appears at their table. He’s carrying a professional-looking briefcase.

BERT

Uh, excuse me, ladies.

DANA, not happy about being accosted by a stranger in Manhattan, doesn’t make eye contact. LEANNE is a bit braver.

LEANNE

(warily)

Can I help you?

BERT

Uh, well, I was just passing by, and I happened to notice your drink.

He indicates an OLD-FASHIONED GLASS SODA BOTTLE with a metal cap. Its label reads "Tangerine Surprise Fizzy Soda."

LEANNE

What about it?

BERT

(with great enthusiasm)

What you have here is a Tangerine Surprise Fizzy Soda, in a limited edition classic bottle.

LEANNE

(studying the bottle, which is mostly full)

Looks like it. So?

DANA

Look, sir, we’re just trying to have a nice, quiet dinner here, so…

BERT

Listen, I don’t think you appreciate what kind of find this is. I’ve been looking all over the city for one of these babies. Where did you get it?

LEANNE

At the Deli around the corner.

BERT

Clearly you have a discerning eye.

LEANNE

Not necessarily. I bought it because it looked like it would taste good. It didn’t.

BERT

Exactly!

He says this so forcefully that the women both start.

DANA

Sir, if you’d please...

BERT

Word is this stuff is terrible. It’s not going to last on the market a month. Do you have any idea how much its bottle-cap is going to be worth?

LEANNE

(perplexed)

Its... bottle-cap?

BERT

I’ve just got to have it for my collection.

LEANNE

(incredulous)

Its bottle-cap.

DANA

(with fear in her voice, still not able to make eye contact)

Sir, if you don’t leave us alone I’m going to call the cops.

She pulls out her phone.

LEANNE

No, Dana, come on. Let the guy talk.

DANA

But he’s a nut case.

LEANNE

Let’s just hear what he has to say.

(to Bert)

So you collect bottle-caps?

BERT

Sure I do. It’s the latest thing. The hippest of the hip. I’ll bet my bottle-cap collection beats anybody’s you know.

LEANNE

I’m sure it does.

BERT

Well, what do you say?

LEANNE

What do I say about what?

BERT

Can I have your bottle-cap?

LEANNE

You want this bottle-cap for your collection?

BERT

If you would be generous enough to offer it.

DANA

(muttering)

I don’t believe this.

LEANNE

Well, I would give it to you…

BERT

(breathless with anticipation)

Yeah?

LEANNE

But there’s just one thing.

BERT

What?

LEANNE

Why should I?

A beat. Bert is astonished; this is a perspective on the situation that he had not previously considered.

BERT

Why should you?

LEANNE

Yeah. Why should I?

BERT

Well, for my bottle-cap collection, of course.

LEANNE

But why should it go to your bottle-cap collection?

BERT

Why shouldn’t it?

LEANNE

Maybe I want to keep it. You said it could be valuable someday.

BERT

(desperate)

But... but... Please, lady! Come on!

DANA

Leanne, what is wrong with you? Just give him the stupid bottle-cap. He’s probably got a knife or something.

LEANNE

(to Dana)

Don’t be ridiculous.

(to Bert)

Look, you want it? How much is it worth to you? Make me an offer.

BERT

Are you kidding me? Give me a break, lady! It’s just a stupid bottle-cap!

LEANNE

Oh, so now it’s "just" a bottle-cap? This lovely, one of a kind, tangerine soufflé fizzy whatever?

BERT moans in frustration.

LEANNE

Yeah, I think I’m just going to keep it. Thanks for letting me know what I have here, though.

She tosses the bottle-cap up in the air and catches it in her fist.

LEANNE

I would have just thrown this baby away. Anyway, enjoy your evening.

BERT

(defeated)

Yeah. It’s been nice getting to know you.

He WALKS OFF.

DANA

Why didn’t you just get rid of him? He could have killed us.

LEANNE

What is with you, Dana? He was harmless. Why did he freak you out so much?

DANA

I don’t know... I just don’t think I could ever trust a stranger with a unibrow.

CUT TO:

BEGIN TITLES

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. DAY - LIVING ROOM, BERT AND ERNIE’S APARTMENT

ERNIE hums as he bustles about, setting the table for two. There’s a knock at the door. Ernie opens it, revealing COOKIE MONSTER.

ERNIE

Hi, Cookie Monster!

COOKIE

Hi, Ernie.

ERNIE

Come on in!

COOKIE

Thank you.

He steps into the apartment.

ERNIE

Thanks for coming to my pot-luck. Did you bring anything good?

COOKIE

Sure did, Ernie.

He holds out the POT that he’s carrying.

COOKIE

Me bring pot, and you in luck. Cookie soup!

ERNIE

Cookie soup?

COOKIE

Sure. Here, have taste.

He lifts the lid off of the pot, revealing a ladle inside.

ERNIE

Well, it looks like soup...

He brings the ladle to his mouth and takes a small slurp.

ERNIE

...and it tastes like cookies!

COOKIE

Extra chocolate chip.

ERNIE

(to camera)

How does he do it?

(to Cookie)

Well, why don’t you put the pot down on the table, there.

Cookie does so.

ERNIE

Oh no!

COOKIE

What wrong?

ERNIE

You should have told me you were bringing soup. I just remembered that almost all of our bowls are in the dishwasher.

COOKIE

Mm. This a predicament. What do?

ERNIE

Wait, I have an idea.

He EXITS to the bedroom.

COOKIE

(calling after him)

Better hurry. Soup getting cold.

Ernie RETURNS, carrying a large COWBOY HAT.

COOKIE

(looking at the hat, scratching his head)

We going to rodeo?

ERNIE

No, no, no, Cookie Monster. Bert just bought this hat. It’s for his Halloween costume.

COOKIE

Halloween? Halloween not for two months.

ERNIE

Well, you know ol’ Bert. He likes to be on top of things.

COOKIE

It nice hat, Ernie, but me getting very hungry. What about soup?

ERNIE

The hat is for the soup.

COOKIE

Why soup need a hat?

ERNIE

You don’t understand. I’ll give you that last bowl, and I can have my soup out of the hat.

Cookie puts his hands on Ernie’s shoulders and looks him straight in the eyes.

COOKIE

Ernie?

ERNIE

Yes, Cookie Monster?

COOKIE

You have brilliant tactical mind.

ERNIE

Well, thank you.

They begin to dispense the soup.

COOKIE

So, how go job hunt?

ERNIE

Very well, actually. I have an interview tomorrow.

COOKIE

Really? Wow.

He sits down at the table and sighs.

ERNIE

What’s the matter, Cookie Monster?

Ernie joins him at the table and begins to eat his soup from the cowboy hat.

COOKIE

If you get job, no more pot-luck.

He starts in on his soup as well, though naturally without a spoon. He brings the bowl to his mouth and proceeds to gulp it down.

ERNIE

Well, that’s true, I won’t be home for lunch anymore. But you can always start coming over for breakfast again.

COOKIE

No, me no can come for breakfast.

ERNIE

Oh? Why not?

COOKIE

Bert get job yet?

ERNIE

No, he's still looking, too.

COOKIE

Either way, Bert around at breakfast time. Bert no like it when me come for breakfast.

ERNIE

I’m sure Bert would love to have over you for breakfast.

COOKIE

No, me no think so.

To get at the last of his serving, he tilts his head back, opens up wide, and turns the bowl upside down directly over his mouth. He gets soup all over the table, chair, wall, floor, and himself.

COOKIE

He think me messy eater.

ERNIE

(with no trace of sarcasm whatever)

You? Never.

COOKIE

Me think so. Remember last year, cookie omelet surprise? Bert get very stressed.

ERNIE

Nah, a little mess wouldn’t bother my old buddy Bert. He’s got a very relaxed personality.

Cookie gives the camera a quick glance.

COOKIE

We talking about same Bert?

EXT. ONE-TWENTY-THREE SESAME STREET – ESTABLISHING - NIGHT

Focus on the outside of Bert and Ernie’s apartment in the basement.

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Bert is shuffling through a pile of papers.

BERT

So that’s a hundred and twenty three to ConEd…

The door opens and Ernie walks in.

ERNIE

Hi, Buddy Bert! Whatcha doing?

BERT

I’m paying the bills, Ernie. What does it look like?

ERNIE

Are you having a good time?

BERT

(earnestly)

Well, of course. Who doesn’t enjoy a good pile of paperwork? But there is one thing, Ernie...

ERNIE

Yeah, Bert?

BERT

This is kind of awkward to say... Now, listen, Ernie, you know I've always been very happy to manage the finances of the apartment...

ERNIE

Well, I’m really glad that it makes you happy, Bert. It also makes me very happy that you manage the finances of the apartment.

BERT

I’m glad to hear that, Ernie, but listen. Now I know that times are tough for everybody, but the end of the month is coming up-

ERNIE

In about thirty days...

BERT

Stop it, Ernie. You know what I’m trying to ask. Are you going to be able to make rent, or not? I don’t think I’m going to able to cover both of us, this time.

ERNIE

Why, is that all you’re worried about?

BERT

Yes, Ernie, that’s what I’m worried about. Making the rent is important to me; I’ve developed a peculiar reliance on warmth and shelter in my advancing years.

ERNIE

Well, worry no more. I can make the rent, no problem.

BERT

Yeah? How’s that?

ERNIE

I found a new job.

BERT

You did? That’s terrific!

ERNIE

Yeah, they told me just this afternoon.

BERT

A marketing position, I assume?

ERNIE

You bet, ol’ buddy. I wouldn’t ever want to do anything else.

BERT

Yeah, I know. If you were willing to do something else, maybe you wouldn’t have spent three months without a job.

ERNIE

Well, how about you? You’d never do anything aside from accounting.

BERT

Now Ernie, that’s not true.

ERNIE

It’s not?

BERT

No. I’ve always had this secret dream...

ERNIE

Yeah?

BERT

(in a reverent hush)

...of opening a laundry service.

ERNIE

(not sounding very interested)

You don’t say.

BERT

Yeah. Just imagine it... the warm hum of the dryers, the smell of the fabric softener... I’d do the laundry for everybody in the neighborhood.

ERNIE

That sounds... nice, Bert. If you think you’d like it so much, why don’t you just do it?

BERT

Oh, Ernie, I’d love to, but the economics just don’t work out. I wouldn’t be able to make my share of the rent.

ERNIE

Speaking of which, how are you going to make your share of the rent?

BERT

Didn’t I tell you? I just got a new job too. I found out yesterday.

ERNIE

Really? Wow.

BERT

Yup, back to good old accounting. It’s not laundry, but you can’t have everything. And the benefits are out of sight!

ERNIE

Quality health care? Long vacations?

BERT

Better than that, Ernie. All the paperclips I want.

ERNIE

Well, that sure is something, Bert.

He yawns.

ERNIE

I think I’m going to turn in, now. Big day tomorrow.

BERT

But Ernie, we both got jobs. We should celebrate.

ERNIE

Maybe some other time, Bert. I’m going to go brush my teeth now.

He EXITS.

BERT

Well, okay. I guess I should go to bed too. Maybe I’ll go put on my pajamas.

He exits as well.

After a beat...

BERT (O.S.)

(shouting)

Ernie, what did you do to my cowboy hat?

FADE OUT.

ACT TWO

FADE IN:

EXT. CORPORATE OFFICES OF THE KRETCHUM GROUP – ESTABLISHING - DAY

The Kretchup Group occupies a several floors of a gleaming skyscraper in midtown Manhattan.

INT. KRETCHUM MEETING ROOM - DAY

The daily morning gathering of the accountants in Bert’s department is in progress. CYNTHIA, his manager, is standing in front of a whiteboard reading from a PRINTOUT.

CYNTHIA

So Larry, you’re going to be reviewing spending on the Certro project today, and Ed, you’ll be on the team for the new residential complex.

ED

Sweet!

CYNTHIA

Dave and Tanya, you’ll be doing payroll today. And that’s everybody, I think. One more announcement before we dive into things...

She walks off to the side of the whiteboard. The CAMERA TRACKS her, revealing BERT, clutching a SLIDE-RULE, as she approaches him. She stands behind him and puts her hands on his shoulder.

CYNTHIA

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Bert, the latest addition to our accounting team. Please give him the warmest of welcomes.

Among the group, there are a few halfhearted greetings and waves. Most of the team is either still bleary with sleep or focused mostly on their morning bagels.

CYNTHIA

All right, that’s it, everybody. Let’s get cracking.

The accountants shuffle out of the room, leaving Bert and Cynthia behind.

BERT

Thanks for the introduction, Cynthia.

CYNTHIA

No problem.

BERT

And may I tell you what a real pleasure it is to be here. I’ve spent most of the last couple of months at home with my roommate. He's also been out of work, and he’s been driving me crazy.

CYNTHIA

Times are tough all around, huh.

BERT

It’s good to finally be able to get away from him, during the day.

CYNTHIA

So, Bert, is there anything else you’d like to know?

BERT

No thanks, Cynthia - just where my cubicle is. I’ve got my slide-rule in hand-

He waves it at her, demonstrating.

BERT

-and boy, am I ready to crunch some numbers!

CYNTHIA

Well, one thing you should know – you don’t have a cubicle.

Beat.

BERT

I don’t?

CYNTHIA

Here at the Kretchum Group, we have an open office plan.

BERT

(nervously)

An open office plan? You mean I have to share my workspace?

CYNTHIA

We believe that an open office plan is the best way to foster communication among the members of a team.

BERT

(very quickly)

Well, that sounds great, Cynthia, but I really value my privacy, and I think I might have a hard time getting my work done if-

CYNTHIA

I’m sorry, Bert, but this isn’t negotiable. We have no cubicles here. Now, unfortunately, the accounting team’s office space is completely full at the moment, so for now you’ll need to share space with another department.

BERT

Wait, I’m not even being placed with the team? You just said that the whole point of this open office stuff was-

CYNTHIA

(sternly)

Bert, we do not question the Kretchum Group Open Office Policy.

BERT

(shrinking back)

No, m’am.

Cynthia glances down at a piece of paper on the conference table.

CYNTHIA

So it says here that HR’s put you in suite 23F. That’s just down the hall. If you’ll follow me...

INT. KRETCHUM CORRIDORS – CONTINUOUS ACTION

The CAMERA TRACKS them as they walk down the hall together.

CYNTHIA (CONT.)

I think you’ll actually find this suite to your liking. It’s only a two-person. HR’s put you in with somebody from marketing.

BERT

Only one office-mate, huh? I guess I can handle that.

They arrive at suite 23F, and Cynthia begins to pull open the door.

BERT

Anyway, it will sure beat spending all day at home with-

The door opens, revealing a small room with two desks, each facing different adjoining walls. One desk is empty – just a computer and a phone. The other desk is covered with toys and clutter, and is occupied – by Ernie.

BERT

(in a tone of shocked, pained, astonishment)

-Ernie?

ERNIE

Hi, buddy Bert!

FADE TO:

EXT. KRETCHUM BUILDING – ESTABLISHING - DAY

The sun's moved a bit; it's an hour or so later.

INT. KRETCHUM GROUP, BERT AND ERNIE’S OFFICE - DAY

Bert is trying to set up his workspace – laying out writing implements, adjusting his computer - and doing his very best to ignore Ernie. Ernie is making this difficult.

ERNIE

Well, Bert, this is quite a coincidence.

BERT

(not turning to look at him)

Yes, Ernie, it certainly is.

ERNIE

I mean, what a coincidence that both of our new jobs happen to be at the same company!

BERT

Yes, Ernie. When you mentioned that this was quite a coincidence, I understood you to be referring to the fact that both of our new jobs happen to be at the same company. Now, if you would please-

ERNIE

How come you didn’t mention that your new job was at Kretchum, Bert?

BERT

(in rather a whining tone)

I don’t know, Ernie, it just never came up.

ERNIE

Hmm. I guess it didn’t. Well it sure is a nice surprise!

BERT

(muttering)

Yeah, a nice surprise all right.

ERNIE

I was just thinking about how much I was going to miss spending the day at home with you - and in you walk, just like that.

BERT

(weakly)

Just like that.

ERNIE

Hey, Bert?

BERT

Ernie, what?

ERNIE

I’m going to take a trip over to the vending machine, Bert. Want to come with me?

BERT

No. Thank you Ernie, but I would not like to come to the vending machine.

ERNIE

Oh. Okay.

(beat)

Hey, Bert? Can I get you anything from the vending machine, Bert?

BERT

(slowly)

No, thank you, Ernie.

ERNIE

Okay. Well, see you soon, ol’ buddy.

Ernie EXITS. The moment he’s gone, Bert stops what he’s doing and leaps at the phone.

BERT

(whispering very quickly and frantically)

Hello, operator? Put me through to human resources, quick!

(beat)

What? Uh-huh? Yeah, connect me to whoever’s in charge of assigning office space to new hires.

Bert rapidly paces back and forth as he waits for HR to answer. Finally...

GROVER (O.S.)

Hello, this is Grover - your cute, furry HR representative. How may I help you, this morning?

BERT

Yes, I’d like to be moved to another office, right away --

He starts.

BERT

Grover? Is that you?

INT. HR OFFICE - DAY

Grover is sitting at his desk, watching his computer monitor and wearing a hands-free phone headset.

GROVER

It certainly is. I am so glad you have called, Bert!

BERT (O.S.)

(not sounding terribly pleased)

What are you doing working in the Kretchum HR office?

GROVER

Bert! Everybody knows that Kretchum is the only company in town that is hiring right now. It is no surprise that we would all end up working here. Why, Oscar had an interview here too, just today. Is it not wonderful?

INT. BERT AND ERNIE’S OFFICE – DAY

BERT

(bitterly)

Yeah, terrific. Listen, Grover, was this your doing?

INTERCUT - TELEPHONE CONVERSATION

GROVER

(proudly)

Oh! Are you reffering to the fact that you and Ernie have been put together in the same cute little office? It certainly was. I noticed that you and Ernie were both starting here today, and I simply could not resist. Is it not a wonderful surprise for you both?

BERT

Yeah, wonderful. Say, Grover, I was wondering if you could maybe do me a favor...

GROVER (O.S.)

My good friend Bert, name it and it is yours.

BERT

Well, you see, I was wondering if...

GROVER

Yes...?

BERT

Well, that is, if you could...

(beat)

You know what, Grover? Forget it.

GROVER

(surprised and saddened by the news that he won’t get to help Bert after all)

Oh. Are you certain?

BERT (O.S.)

Yeah, thanks, Grover.

GROVER

It would be a pleasure and honor to serve you in any small way.

BERT (O.S.)

(tensely)

I appreciate that, Grover, but I don’t need anything, anymore.

GROVER

Oh, please, Bert, allow me to do something for you, please, please, please!

BERT

Well, gee, Grover, I’m sorry, but I really just don’t need anything right now.

GROVER (O.S.)

I understand. But Bert, if you find that I could help you with the slightest thing-

BERT

I’ll give you a call, don’t worry. Goodbye, Grover.

GROVER (O.S.)

(his voice fading out as Bert moves the phone to its base station)

Goodbye, Bert. Please do remember to have a terrific day!

END INTERCUT

Bert hangs up. He sits quietly for a few moments. Then he looks up at the ceiling and lets out a long, frustrated, scream.

INT. FERN’S RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Fern’s is a restaurant near Sesame Street – nice, but nothing really fancy. Most of the tables are occupied by couples or small groups.

The CAMERA PANS across the room to reveal a booth, at which Bert sits opposite PRAIRIE DAWN. The two are having a quiet dinner together after work.

PRAIRIE DAWN

And did you get Grover to switch your office?

BERT

I just couldn’t go through with it. He just wouldn’t understand... And of course the first thing he would do is go ask Ernie about it.

PRAIRIE DAWN

So what did you say?

BERT

"Never mind. Goodbye." And then I hung up.

PRAIRIE DAWN

Oh.

BERT

And that, of course, is when Ernie came back into the room with the candy bar that I didn’t ask for.

PRAIRIE DAWN

What did you do?

BERT

What could I do? I paid him back for it.

PRAIRIE DAWN

(pityingly, but also considerate and slightly amused)

Oh, Bert...

BERT

Anyway, I’ve really got to thank you for meeting me for dinner. I really needed a break, after today.

PRAIRIE DAWN

Of course! I love having dinner with you.

BERT

(surprised, and a bit excited)

You do?

PRAIRIE DAWN

Besides, we needed to do something to celebrate your new job, didn’t we?

BERT

We... we did?

Bert watches her carefully for a beat - then abruptly returns to his usual self.

BERT

After the day I’ve had, I’m not really sure that this job really is something to celebrate.

PRAIRIE DAWN

Oh, come on. Sure it is. You love accounting.

BERT

That’s true.

PRAIRIE DAWN

And it must be nice to be financially stable, again.

BERT

Yeah, that’s true too. Okay. But Prairie, what am I going to do? Don’t get me wrong, Ernie’s a great guy, and he can be a lot of fun to live with – but how can I live with him and work with him? I’ll go crazy.

PRAIRIE DAWN

(after a moment’s consideration)

Well, there’s always your lunch break...

BERT

My lunch break? I don’t even want to think about my lunch break. You know what’s going to happen during my lunch break?

PRAIRIE DAWN

No.

BERT

Ernie’s going to ask me to come with him to get lunch, that’s what. I’m not going to have a moment’s peace all day.

PRAIRIE DAWN

Can’t you just politely say "no?"

BERT

Hah. Ernie doesn’t take "no" for an answer.

PRAIRIE DAWN

What if you just brought lunch from home?

BERT

I already thought of that. You know how many times that would work? One.

PRAIRIE DAWN

What happens after the first time?

BERT

The next day Ernie will bring his lunch from home and eat with me in the office.

PRAIRIE DAWN

What if you alternated days? Brown-bag one day, go out the next? And you could keep changing the pattern so that Ernie never matches up.

Bert stares at Prairie in awe for a few moments.

BERT

Prairie, that is a terrific idea! How can I ever repay you?

She thinks about this for a moment.

PRAIRIE DAWN

Well, there is something I’ve had my eye out for...

BERT

Name it!

PRAIRIE DAWN

I almost hesitate to ask... but do you happen to have any bottle-caps from the new, limited-edition Tangerine Surprise Fizzy Soda?

EXT. KRETCHUM BUILDING – ESTABLISHING – DAY

CUT TO:

INT. BERT AND ERNIE’S OFFICE – DAY

Bert is working at his computer and listening to music with a pair of headphones. Ernie approaches him and tries to get his attention.

ERNIE

Bert? Hey, Bert?

Bert either does not notice him, or is doing a very good job at pretending. Ernie steps closer.

ERNIE

Oh, Bert... Bert, ol’ buddy?

Still no response from Bert. Ernie comes closer still, and finally waves his arm into Bert’s field of view.

ERNIE

Bert! Hey, Bert!

Startled, Bert lets out a yelp and leaps into the air.

BERT

(irritated)

What, Ernie? What is it?

ERNIE

(intolerably enthusiastic)

I just finished up my first pass on the Certro marketing plan.

BERT

I’m very glad to hear it, Ernie. Can I go back to what I was doing now?

ERNIE

Well, just a second, Bert – I was wondering if you could maybe take a few minutes to look it over.

BERT

(very tensely)

No, Ernie, I cannot take a few minutes to look it over. Would you like to know why I can’t take a few minutes to look it over?

ERNIE

Why, sure, Bert, I’d love to know.

BERT

(gradually building up to screaming, sending Ernie scrambling back)

Because I am working on the Certro marketing budget. And if I don’t get it done, there’s not going to be a Certro marketing plan!

By this point, Ernie is crouched down, hiding behind his chair. Breathing heavily, Bert takes a moment a moment to recover himself. After a beat, Ernie carefully pokes his head out.

ERNIE

Gee, Bert, I never thought of it like that.

BERT

Yeah, well, I’m going to get back to work now, okay?

ERNIE

Okay, Bert.

Bert puts his headphones back on and turns back to his desk. Ernie turns back to his own computer and sits quietly for a beat, staring at the screen.

ERNIE

Bert?

No response. Again, Ernie comes closer.

ERNIE

Hey, Bert? Bert, ol’ buddy?

Silence. Ernie grabs the back of his chair and gives it a hard shake. Bert yanks off his headphones and spins around.

BERT

What, Ernie? What? What? What?

ERNIE

Oh, it’s nothing really important, Bert.

BERT

Then why did you have to interrupt me in the middle of my work?

(he gestures at his screen)

Look at this. Look at this beautiful chart I’m making, here. Why won’t you just let me finish my chart in peace?

ERNIE

I just was wondering if you wanted to come grab some lunch with me. There’s this place down the street, Stu’s Burgers...

BERT

(a bit triumphantly; he’s ready for this)

Oh, well you know I'd love to come out to eat with you, Ernie-

He holds up his brown bag.

BERT

-but I brought my lunch from home, today.

ERNIE

Oh, gee, that’s too bad.

BERT

Yeah, sometimes life just puts us in these difficult situations.

He sighs dramatically.

BERT

All we can do is try our best to get past them and move on.

ERNIE

I guess you’re right, Bert. It really is a shame, though, that you’re going to have to miss out on the oatmeal burgers...

Bert abruptly snaps his head in Ernie's direction.

BERT

The what?

ERNIE

Well, you know, Stu’s oatmeal burgers are world famous. The whole thing is made out of oatmeal. Oatmeal patty, oatmeal bun, vegan oatmeal cheese...

BERT

Did... did you say "oatmeal cheese?"

ERNIE

Why, sure, Bert.

BERT

I didn’t even know that you could make oatmeal into cheese.

ERNIE

Well, I guess I’m going to head out to lunch, now, Bert. Don’t worry; I’m sure you’ll be able to get an oatmeal burger tomorrow.

He heads to the door.

BERT

Now let’s not be too hasty, Ernie... I can always stick this bag in the fridge and eat it later in the week...

ERNIE

I don’t know, Bert. You’re going to want to eat that sandwich there while it’s still fresh.

BERT

Don’t worry; it’ll keep. Come on, let’s go to Sal’s.

ERNIE

That’s "Stu’s," Bert.

BERT

Stu’s, whatever. Let’s go, already.

ERNIE

If you say so, Bert. I’ll meet you out by the elevators, okay?

Ernie EXITS. Bert moves eagerly to follow him, then stops abruptly. He wears a contemplative look on his face for a beat, which transforms into a look of misery. He buries his forehead in his hand.

BERT

(muttering to himself)

One day. I didn’t make it through a single day.

FADE OUT.

ACT THREE

INT. STU’S BURGERS – DAY

Stu’s Burgers is a traditional-looking diner. Bert and Ernie sit together at a counter that faces out a window onto the street. We occasionally see out the window; it’s a busy, sunny day in midtown Manhattan, with lots of pedestrians passing by.

Ernie is about halfway through his classic cheeseburger; Bert’s oatmeal burger is just about polished off.

ERNIE

So, are you glad you came?

BERT

(talking around a full mouth)

Are you kidding me? This is the most incredible thing I’ve ever tasted.

He swallows, and his burger is done.

BERT

I don’t know how I can ever thank you.

ERNIE

Aw, gee, Bert. The pleasure’s all mine.

(beat)

Hey, ol’ buddy! Where were you, last night? You didn’t get home until after I went to bed.

BERT

Oh. Well, actually, Prairie Dawn took me out to dinner. To celebrate the new job, and everything.

ERNIE

Wow. That was really nice of her.

BERT

Yeah.

A beat. Bert looks down at his empty plate.

BERT

Hey, Ernie... Do you think... maybe... that me and Prairie Dawn...

A beat.

ERNIE

Do I think you and Prairie Dawn - what, Bert?

BERT

(looking down)

You know what? Never mind.

ERNIE

Aw, c’mon, Bert. Ask me.

BERT

Just leave it alone, would you?

ERNIE

You’re not going to ask me?

BERT

(looking up at him angrily)

Why do you always have to get involved in everything? Can’t you just back off?

Ernie recoils a bit.

ERNIE

Well, gee, Bert. You were the one who brought it up.

BERT

And then I said "never mind." When I ask you to never mind, why can’t you ever just never mind?

ERNIE

I wouldn’t say that I never never mind, Bert.

BERT

Well, I would. You never, ever, never mind.

ERNIE

I never, ever, never mind?

BERT

You never, ever, never mind.

ERNIE

I think sometimes I never mind.

BERT

No, Ernie, that’s what I’m trying to tell you. You never, ever, never mind. Not once have you never minded when I’ve asked you to never mind. Not once. Not ever.

ERNIE

Never, ever?

BERT

Never, ever.

ERNIE

Well, do you ever mind?

BERT

What?

ERNIE

If I really don’t ever never mind, do you ever mind that I don’t ever never mind?

BERT

Of course I mind that you don’t ever never mind. Why would we be having this conversation if I didn’t mind that you never, ever, never mind? I always mind.

A waitress appears to clear Bert’s plate away. He puts out an arm to stop her.

BERT

Hey, I’m not done with this. Do you mind?

ERNIE

I’m sorry, Bert. I didn’t know that you always mind that I never, ever, never mind.

BERT

Ernie, will you knock it off? You’re driving me crazy!

ERNIE

No problem, Bert. I don’t mind.

Ernie faces the camera and laughs. Bert lets out a wail of frustration.

EXT. KRETCHUM BUILDING – ESTABLISHING – DAY

CUT TO:

INT. BERT AND ERNIE’S OFFICE – DAY

Bert is back at his computer with his headphones. Ernie once again is trying to get his attention.

ERNIE

Bert? Hey Bert?

A beat.

ERNIE

(to audience)

Hmm... Looks like ol’ buddy Bert is busy at the computer again.

He gets out of his chair and steps over towards Bert’s direction. Bert remains oblivious.

ERNIE

He looks pretty focused. I’d better not disturb him.

He heads back to his desk.

ERNIE

But then again, my marketing plan is all wrapped up. I really want to show it to him and find out what he thinks.

He looks over in Bert’s direction.

ERNIE

But if I did that, I’d need to interrupt his work.

(beat)

Hmm... I really shouldn’t interrupt his work. If I did that, ol’ Bert might get pretty mad. I’d better just show it to some of the other folks in marketing.

He walks past Bert’s desk to the door, but then abruptly stops.

ERNIE

You know what, though? It’s my second day on a new job. I need to make a good impression. What if my marketing plan isn’t good enough? What if my supervisor doesn’t like it? What if she hates it? What if she really hates it? I could lose my job! I don’t want to lose my new job! I like it here.

(beat)

And besides, if I lost my job, I couldn’t pay my share of the rent. Bert wouldn’t like that. Then he’d be real mad.

Ernie slowly heads back towards Bert’s desk.

ERNIE

Yeah. I’d better make sure I can pay the rent. Gotta keep ol’ Bert happy. If Bert wants to stay happy, he’s going to have to read my marketing plan. I’m sure he won’t mind if interrupt him, since it’s really only for his own good. Bert! Oh, Bert!

As usual, no response. Ernie leans his head in towards one of Bert’s ears and shouts through the headphones as loud as he can.

ERNIE

Bert! Hey, Bert!

Bert starts, and then rips his headphones off furiously. He subjects Ernie to a withering glare.

BERT

(very loud, and very annoyed)

What?

ERNIE

Oh, Bert, you’ve just got to read my marketing plan right away so I can pay the rent and you can be happy!

BERT

Ernie, what are you talking about? I thought I told you that I couldn’t read your plan today.

ERNIE

Well, I just thought-

BERT

Why don’t you just... show it to a focus group, or something?

ERNIE

A focus group? Oh, no, Bert, you don’t understand. It’s not ready for-

BERT

Listen to me, Ernie. I don’t care. I’ve got to finish this. Will you please leave me alone?

He puts his headphones back on before Ernie can reply.

A beat.

ERNIE

Gee, I guess I was wrong. Ol’ buddy Bert didn’t understand that he needs to read the report to make himself happy, after all. I’d better explain it to him.

He reaches for Bert’s headphones, but his hands don’t make it all the way.

ERNIE

Then again, maybe I shouldn’t. Bert was awful mad. Maybe he just wouldn’t understand, no matter what.

The consideration of this distant-but-plausible possibility causes Ernie to look forlorn. But he perks up after a moment.

ERNIE

Wait a second. What am I saying? Bert’s the smartest guy I know! I’m sure if I just explain the whole thing to him, he’ll understand right away. He won’t be mad. He’ll be tickled pink to read my report. Bert! Oh, Bert!

He yanks Bert’s headphones off.

BERT

Ow!

ERNIE

Hey, Bert, I know what you just said, but I’m sure that if you give me just a second to explain why you’ve got to read this report, you’ll—

By this point, Bert is as angry as he has ever been.

BERT

That is it! That is it, Ernie! I cannot do this! I have had it! I cannot do this!

Ernie shrinks back.

ERNIE

Do what, Bert?

Bert waves his arms as if to indicate the entire world around him.

BERT

This!

ERNIE

Oh, no, Bert, you’re a terrific accountant! If you’re having trouble, I’m sure it’s just taking you a little bit of time to settle in...

BERT

Ernie, I am not having trouble with accounting.

ERNIE

Oh. Is it your desk? Is your desk too low? Is your chair too high? Look, it has these nifty little levers here that you can use to raise and lower it.

He grabs hold of said levers and proceeds to demonstrate, pumping Bert up and down. Bert stares into the camera for a moment, flabbergasted. He shakes himself out of it.

BERT

Will you knock it off?

Ernie leaps away.

BERT

(getting to his feet)

No, Ernie, the problem is not my chair! The problem is not my desk, and the problem is not my accounting! My problem is you, Ernie, you! You! You are my problem! My problem is you!

ERNIE

(shocked)

M-me, Bert?

BERT

I cannot share a workspace with you! I just cannot do it! You’re driving me completely crazy!

ERNIE

I... I am? I’m sorry, ol’ buddy. I had no idea.

BERT

(cooling down, and a bit ashamed of his outburst)

Look, just... Just go back to your desk and do your work, okay? Tomorrow we’ll call Grover, and ask him if one of us can move into a different office, and everything will be fine.

ERNIE

Okay, Bert... If that’s the way you want it...

He’s near tears, though Bert, still rather strained, doesn’t really notice.

BERT

Yes, Ernie, I think things would be for the best that way.

He plops himself back down in his chair, which Ernie has left extended up to its highest position. Slowly, it shrinks down, emitting a hissing noise. By the time it stops, the top of Bert’s head is at the level of his desk. He leans back against the chair’s headrest and moans.

FADE TO:

EXT. ONE-TWENTY-THREE SESAME STREET – ESTABLISHING - NIGHT

Focus on the outside of Bert and Ernie’s apartment in the basement.

INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Off-screen, the JANGLING of keys. The apartment door opens.

BERT (O.S.)

Hey, Ernie, sorry I came home so late.

Bert enters the apartment and closes the door behind him. The tone of his voice is neutral; he appears to have mostly forgotten the earlier altercation.

BERT

I hope you didn’t hold up your dinner for m-

The camera pulls back to reveal an open suitcase sitting on the table. Contained within are clothes, books, toys, and other sundry items piled up high enough that it’s pretty clear that the suitcase is not actually going to close unless most of the stuff is removed.

BERT

Ernie? What’s going on?

As he speaks, he is dodging various other items, which are whizzing into the living room from off-screen down the hall. Each flies past Bert and lands in the suitcase. A t-shirt goes by, followed by a bucket, followed by a mop.

ERNIE (O.S.)

(both melancholy and angry, but trying to hide it)

I’m packing, Bert.

BERT

I can see that you’re packing, Ernie. It looks like-

Some pillows and blankets fly by, followed by Ernie’s trademark patterned pajamas. The latter are accidentally intercepted by and then tangled around Bert’s head, interrupting his speech. He sputters, scrambles to get the pajamas off, and does his best to place them back on their original trajectory. They end up missing the suitcase by a foot or two and landing on the floor.

BERT (CONT.)

-like you’re packing up the whole apartment! What’s going on?

Ernie enters from the hallway, carrying an armload of about ten identical blue, red, and white striped sweaters. His rubber ducky is perched atop the pile. He approaches the suitcase, and dumps in the whole load.

ERNIE

I’m gonna go stay with the Count for a while.

He exits in the direction of the kitchen. Bert looks into the kitchen after him.

BERT

Stay with the Count? And why are you taking all this stuff?

He gestures at the suitcase.

BERT

It looks like you’ve got everything in here but the-

The kitchen sinks goes sailing past Bert and lands squarely in the suitcase.

BERT

Well, I guess I should have seen that coming.

He recovers himself.

BERT

Come on, Ernie, you can’t take the kitchen sink with you to Count’s! It comes with the apartment. It’s on the lease!

Ernie re-enters from the kitchen, bearing a stack of dishes. These, too, are added to the pile in the suitcase.

ERNIE

(still melancholy)

I guess you’re right, Bert.

He reaches to pick the sink up out of the suitcase, but Bert stops him.

BERT

Now hold it, Ernie. What’s this all about? How come you didn’t tell me before you were going to go stay with the Count?

ERNIE

Oh, I only just decided today, Bert. And it’ll only be for a little while; once I settle in, I’m going to start looking for my own place.

BERT

Your own place?

He puts his hands on Ernie’s shoulders and looks him frantically in the eyes.

BERT

Are you saying you’re moving out?

ERNIE

I sure am, Bert. Just like you’ve always wanted.

He sinks down onto the sofa.

BERT

Like I always—

He races to the sofa after him.

BERT

Like I always wanted? Ernie, what are you talking about?

ERNIE

Come on, Bert. I know you’ve always wanted to get rid of me. You hate living with me. You might as well come out and say it.

BERT

Now, Ernie, that’s ridiculous. I don’t hate living with you at all.

ERNIE

(sniffling)

There’s no sense pretending anymore, Bert. I’m just going to move on. Get out of your way for good.

BERT

Ernie, are you crazy? I think it’s great, living with you! You’re the best roommate a guy could have.

ERNIE

(perking up a bit)

Really?

(returning to a mope)

But then why are you always yelling at me, all the time?

BERT

(putting an arm on Ernie’s shoulder)

Aw, I just have a bit of a temper, that’s all. Just because I yell at you doesn’t mean that I don’t like you. Of course I like you.

ERNIE

Do you really mean it?

BERT

Of course I mean it.

ERNIE

So that whole big fight we had at work – you were just blowing off a little steam.

BERT

(a bit nervously)

Uh... exactly.

ERNIE

Wow. And here I was all worried for nothing. Can you believe it? I really thought you wanted to move out of our office.

Bert holds out an arm, hesitatingly.

BERT

Uh...

ERNIE

I should have known that you just got a little carried away.

BERT

Well, Ernie, actually-

ERNIE

I know, Bert, I know. It’s okay, really. You get a little carried away all the time. I can take it, ol’ pal. Isn’t that what friends are for?

BERT

That’s really nice of you to say, Ernie, but-

ERNIE

Imagine that I ever could have thought that you didn’t want to share an office with me.

BERT

But-

ERNIE

After all, you really love living with me. So sharing an office must be even better. We sure are going to have some good times together over at Kretchum.

BERT

But, Ernie, I really did...

He trails off.

ERNIE

What was that, Bert?

BERT

Well... what I’m trying to say... is...

ERNIE

(a hint of concern in his voice)

I’m not sure I follow you, ol’ buddy.

Bert realizes there is no way he can possibly win this one.

BERT

(wearily)

Listen, Ernie, why don’t you just go and unpack your suitcase, okay?

ERNIE

Wow! You bet!

He runs out of the frame, towards his suitcase. The camera remains on Bert, still on the sofa.

BERT

(with strained false enthusiasm)

Great.

We hear Ernie off-screen, shuffling through his clutter.

ERNIE (O.S.)

Oh boy! Just me and you, ol’ buddy, sharing an office! Probably for years and years. It’s gonna be terrific!

As the END TITLES MUSIC BEGINS TO PLAY IN THE BACKGROUND, Bert sinks back into the sofa and moans quietly.

INT. BERT AND ERNIE’S OFFICE – DAY

It’s a lovely, sunny day. Combined with the End Titles music (which has now swelled up to the point that we can no longer hear the dialogue), the bright, resplendent view of the city outside the window portends fun and exciting things to come.

Once again, Bert is trying to get work done at his computer. Ernie comes up behind him, taps him on the shoulder and begins talking about something. Bert tries to shoo him away, but relents when Ernie starts to show hints of looking downcast.

Ernie leaves the frame for a moment and returns with the MARKETING PLAN in a clear, plastic binder. Bert grabs it and begins to page through it, angrily.

Ernie looks into the camera and (audibly, even over the music) laughs his trademark laugh.

END TITLES

END OF SHOW


End file.
